Oh well, nothing else happened since that last post. Nothing else changed. I'm still nobody.
And I really really want to resign. Really really want to stay home and take care of Ethan myself. Really really doesnt want a maid anymore. But can I? E whole damn family is so reliant on e maid. And I dun see why.
Now, I can't even ask a simple qns. I had to take the brunt of her attitude. Of her temper. Of her rubbish. Seriously, I can't do it. I really can't. I tried so hard to be a good employer. But I really Dunno how to. It pisses me off the moment I know sth is not done properly to Ethan. I really hated this feeling. Till so that I rather do it all by myself.
But I can't afford to do so. I can't just quit like that. There are still tons of bills for me to pay. And lots of money needed. If only there's money that dropped down from heaven. Den I can do work at my own time that I can handle.
Sometimes I wished I wasn't born in this family. I wished I had a family with lesser problems. With more love and concern. With more money. But I can't choose at all. I had enough of handling all e nonsense thinkings and questionings.
I love my hubby and my boy so much. I want to give them e best home ever. But can I really do that? I really dunno. I hated myself for having such a bad temper. For getting so pissed so easily. For not being thrifty enough to clear all e debts and save all e money. Just my love, will not be enough. Isn't it?
Haiz I'm so emotional now. Really really very very down.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
How to let it go?
Laugh at me. I dun care.
I'm weak. And I'm hurt.
I can't let it go. Not just yet.
I know I should. But everything is so painful.
I know very well what should I do and what should I not do.
But knowing and doing is different.
Seriously. I'm hurt to the extent that I can't even trust anything that is said to me anymore.
What you said just made me ponder even more.
Who is the one, whom u protected so well, that you dun even wan to let me know.. Even at times like this.
Or was there no one, but an imaginary figure that you wanted to pin the blame to?
原来，我只是个不被重视的傻瓜。
I'm weak. And I'm hurt.
I can't let it go. Not just yet.
I know I should. But everything is so painful.
I know very well what should I do and what should I not do.
But knowing and doing is different.
Seriously. I'm hurt to the extent that I can't even trust anything that is said to me anymore.
What you said just made me ponder even more.
Who is the one, whom u protected so well, that you dun even wan to let me know.. Even at times like this.
Or was there no one, but an imaginary figure that you wanted to pin the blame to?
原来，我只是个不被重视的傻瓜。
Oh well, found out something yesterday.
Honestly, i feel very lousy.
This is how it feels to be backstabbed.
by someone whom u tot were your good friend.someone u stood by when in need.supports when falling.felt happy for everything. wouldn't get angry at even when not attending any of your most important events in life.
No matter whether it's the whole truth or not, the matter of fact is you did said it. And for all I know, It may not be just to one group. Somehow I wished i know it all. At least I would know, who else thought the same way. Or to what extend was I being stabbed. How bad the damage was. Alot of things are conjuring in my mind. I'm beginning to suspect. To guess. To wonder. What else was being said. Who else was told?
Suddenly, all the things that was told to me was like crap. Because I no longer know how much I can trust.
I never though this kind of things would actually happen to me at the age of 23.
It is no longer the matter of being matured or not. The fact is I have been hurt terribly. It really pricks my heart now whenever I thinks about it.
I wanted so much to cry. But I wasn't even sure if it's worth it. To cry for u.
We may not be the best of friends. But I never knew I meant that little to you. To the extent that you could say such things about me. Is there anymore? Is what u said, really the truth? Does it prick your heart now, that you are going thru the same thing and I was so supportive and worried for u?
Honestly, i feel very lousy.
This is how it feels to be backstabbed.
by someone whom u tot were your good friend.someone u stood by when in need.supports when falling.felt happy for everything. wouldn't get angry at even when not attending any of your most important events in life.
No matter whether it's the whole truth or not, the matter of fact is you did said it. And for all I know, It may not be just to one group. Somehow I wished i know it all. At least I would know, who else thought the same way. Or to what extend was I being stabbed. How bad the damage was. Alot of things are conjuring in my mind. I'm beginning to suspect. To guess. To wonder. What else was being said. Who else was told?
Suddenly, all the things that was told to me was like crap. Because I no longer know how much I can trust.
I never though this kind of things would actually happen to me at the age of 23.
It is no longer the matter of being matured or not. The fact is I have been hurt terribly. It really pricks my heart now whenever I thinks about it.
I wanted so much to cry. But I wasn't even sure if it's worth it. To cry for u.
We may not be the best of friends. But I never knew I meant that little to you. To the extent that you could say such things about me. Is there anymore? Is what u said, really the truth? Does it prick your heart now, that you are going thru the same thing and I was so supportive and worried for u?
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
JULY
okays. daily blog has become monthly blog.
lol!
so now, july. a few more days, its me and hubby's 1year anniversary.
being a married couple... this one year is really not easy.
as a young couple, with a child that was on the way and eventually came into our lives, with financial instability, we were indeed having a hard time.
but we made it through.
the paths in the future is not gonna be any easy. but i will try.
theres alot of things to get over. i dunno if i could, but still, i will try.
i love you alvin lam. with all my heart.
*
sometimes, there are so many things that we thought we really wanted.
but, is that really what we want?
everyone has made wrong choices in their lives before.
shouldnt they be given the chance to make new choices again?
should they be deprived of the chance?
*
i always planned to save on this, save on that. but when have i really done it?
i tried, but always failed.
perhaps i didnt try hard enough.
can anyone teach me how to save and not spend?
*
i dun wanna think much now.
all i want is to have a happy anni with hubby.
have a happy family with ethan and the new lil one coming along.
i just love them all. so much tat i didnt know i could love someone that much.
lol!
so now, july. a few more days, its me and hubby's 1year anniversary.
being a married couple... this one year is really not easy.
as a young couple, with a child that was on the way and eventually came into our lives, with financial instability, we were indeed having a hard time.
but we made it through.
the paths in the future is not gonna be any easy. but i will try.
theres alot of things to get over. i dunno if i could, but still, i will try.
i love you alvin lam. with all my heart.
*
sometimes, there are so many things that we thought we really wanted.
but, is that really what we want?
everyone has made wrong choices in their lives before.
shouldnt they be given the chance to make new choices again?
should they be deprived of the chance?
*
i always planned to save on this, save on that. but when have i really done it?
i tried, but always failed.
perhaps i didnt try hard enough.
can anyone teach me how to save and not spend?
*
i dun wanna think much now.
all i want is to have a happy anni with hubby.
have a happy family with ethan and the new lil one coming along.
i just love them all. so much tat i didnt know i could love someone that much.
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