wrapping up

as titled, time to wrap up 2011.
this has been an eventful year.
from transition to become a mother. learning how to take care of ethan. going thru the heartbreaks of leaving him alone at home for work.
taking care of ethan when he is sick. when he is hospitalized.
having to juggle family, work, kid, and pregnancy.
there's just too much changes in my life.

now, the year is coming to an end.
but theres more to come.
=)

muimui is coming real soon. all the experiences would be doubled. good or bad. lol!

*

other than spiritually being very satisfied, im very satisfied materially. hahaha!

conquered my 1st kate spade, 1st chanel wallet, tiffany and co, gucci sandals, burberry nova tote, LV Speedy 25, 1st prada wallet, 1st prada bag, 1st prada clutch, 1st chanel necklace, 1st balenciaga bag.
woots!

FUCKING PISSED

right at this moment, I AM SUPER PISSED.
isnt it a basic courtesy to ASK when it comes to taking my things and give/lend to others.
ALREADY so many of ethan's clothes went to him.
now BOTH HIS ROCKERS.
ccb. so mui mui comes out NO NEED TO USE LAH!

knn. pls lor. they have TONNES OF MONEY and can jolly well AFFORD IT!
why need to use mine?

call me selfish.
but i want the best for my child.
even if ethan doesnt use it. mui mui can use what.
why the fuck do you NEED TO TAKE IT AWAY?

besides, we never try letting ethan use BECAUSE YOU SAID HE WOULD NOT LIKE IT.
but we NEVER TRY, NEVER KNOW!

worst of all. i think the baseline is, before taking things away from ME, ASK ME FIRST.
i already KEPT QUIET over the clothes that was given to the newborn. taking the fact that Ethan has outgrown them. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN GIVE THEM EVERY SINGLE THING!
why doesnt it ring a bell to them that a 2nd baby is on her way to us. and instead of just using a 2nd hand pass-down from her own brother, SHE HAS TO USE 3rd hand PASS-DOWN by someone else? and RIGHTFULLY, it belongs to us!

are all rich fat ass THESE STINGY?!?

ARGH!!! ranting doesnt help at all.
i just want to CRY RIGHT NOW AT THIS MOMENT.

ARGH!

december is HERE!

1st day of december!

this is a month of celebrations.
this wk - 1 bday party to attend.
next wk - ethan's bday party.
3rd wk - elaine's bday party.
4th wk - xmas (kiv party).

busy busy weeks.
not forgetting, mui mui is coming!! =D
i guess, the event that we are looking forward to is not only ethan's party and him turning 1. but also mui mui's arrival. =)

getting more and more uncomfortable lately. guess its cos mui mui is growing stealthily. which is something we are thankful for, and i think its all worth it. =)

ethan is growing up so well... thou styms he gets on my nerves for screaming and wailing. but he is just so cute that i just love him to bits. the way he laughs his heart out over small actions. laughs till tears come out. its really very heartwarming. im so glad and thankful that i had him. and muimui on the way. =)

november

so fast.
its already november.
the highly-anticipated 11/11/11 @ 11:11am/pm is already over.
on a rare day like this, i must say my day SUCKS TO THE MAX.
working night shift. had F patients, F relatives, F doctors.
den spent the rest of the day sleeping. woke up, had dinner that made me puke for unknown reason. and watched a movie that i do not even know the title.
how cool is that?

*

this november isnt great.
loads of unhappy news.
loads of nonsense.
loads of unwanted feelings.

*

i love my life. i love seeing ethan crawling around. crying for me. smiles when i plays with him.
i cant imagine how happy my life would be when evangeline is born.

im tired of being pregnant.
i enjoy the moments when my darling is kicking inside me.
but im tired of all the things i cannot do because im pregnant.
all the things i have to watch out.
all the things i HOPE to see when im pregnant.

im tired.
no one seems to care that im pregnant anyway.
no one seems to give me more attention like its supposed to be anyway.

im tired of being so emotional now.
im tired of the erratic moods.

*

OCTOBER

woohoo~ its october already.
so fast... i seriously cant wait for mui mui to come out. but den again, i would probably miss being pregnant AGAIN. its a kind of mixed feelings.

some ppl say, pregnant before, should know what.
but i realized, every pregnancy is so different.
i experienced things that i do not experience when i was having ethan.
i had pains that i do not have when i had ethan.
i had alot of discomfort that i do not have when i had ethan.

likewise, i vomited so badly that i had to be admitted when i had ethan. i had gone through alot more medically when i had ethan.

all these are so different. uncomparable.

i love those times.and im still enjoying these times. =D

happy~

end of sept

so fast~ oct is approaching. another few more months, i will be a mother of 2! =)

so many newsfeed on fb. some friends having bb girl, some having bb boy. i believe, no matter boy or girl, all would be great parents! =)

its so weird how things have changed over the past few years.
there are still so many memories that seem so fresh. but now, everything is so different... im so so so amazed.
just talking about myself. my life have so much changes that i dun even see planning as a need! its all redundant. lol!

*

work has been status quo. now got some "new" thing that got involved even thou i do not want to join. and the worst stress was when the preceptor keep emphasizing on my performance.
i really hope theres nothing much stress for me.

*

alrighty.
time to continue on assignments. jiayou!

SEPT

its september now!
so fast~
just went for scanning today.
we are having a baby girl!!!=D

its like our wish being granted.
both hubby and i are so glad. =)

love both our prince and princess so much..

*

seriously cant wait for time to pass and on ML. cos tts the time when i dun have to fear about having to go to work. hahahaha! but nowadays my life is so bored that i do not have anything to do.
life is such a stagnant~~!!!
going out no longer tempts me.
and i have nth to do at all.
is this a gd sign?

*

life changes so much and so fast that sometimes it scares me.
it seems so interesting to see ppl hanging out and have fun.
but i just cant seem to do that.

the life that i used to live in, seems to have stayed far far away from me.
my life now only evolves around hubby and baby.
am i becoming a loner? =(

AUGUST

Oh wells.. It's august already. So fast..
Recently mood hadn't been gd. Perhaps cos I wasn't feeling well either.. Stupid URTI that refuses to go away..ethan is starting to cough abit. I hope it has nth to do wif me. First two days critical times I have tried so hard not to stay near him..

Sometimes, some things still comes back and gives me some aches.. Its been so long... It shouldn't happen... But it still does...
I yearn to let things go... But memories just refuses to do so.. Its perhaps not as easy as we thought.
借一句戏剧里说过的话：如果人的记忆可以像电脑一样一次format掉那该有多好。

现在的我，不敢对任何人说任何事。因为我害怕再次受到伤害。当我真心对待人的时候，我并不奢望他们会同样的对我。但起码不要做出伤害我的事。

Too many things happened over the past 1mth. One thing that is for sure, was I had never been angry with her. All that filled me, was sadness and disappointment. I wudnt dreamt that she would treat me as friends now, but I wish her all e best. It takes alot of courage to go down this path. I'm still trying. Hope she ll have her happiness too.

Despite all these, I'm glad that I have hubby with me. I'm glad that he is so understanding, so reasonable to let me throw tantrum at him, and so loving to me. I may not have the richest hubby in terms of money. I may not have what other girls had. But I definitely have e best hubby with the richest love for me.:))

When life's in dumps, will it get worst, or better?

Oh well, nothing else happened since that last post. Nothing else changed. I'm still nobody.

And I really really want to resign. Really really want to stay home and take care of Ethan myself. Really really doesnt want a maid anymore. But can I? E whole damn family is so reliant on e maid. And I dun see why.
Now, I can't even ask a simple qns. I had to take the brunt of her attitude. Of her temper. Of her rubbish. Seriously, I can't do it. I really can't. I tried so hard to be a good employer. But I really Dunno how to. It pisses me off the moment I know sth is not done properly to Ethan. I really hated this feeling. Till so that I rather do it all by myself.
But I can't afford to do so. I can't just quit like that. There are still tons of bills for me to pay. And lots of money needed. If only there's money that dropped down from heaven. Den I can do work at my own time that I can handle.

Sometimes I wished I wasn't born in this family. I wished I had a family with lesser problems. With more love and concern. With more money. But I can't choose at all. I had enough of handling all e nonsense thinkings and questionings.

I love my hubby and my boy so much. I want to give them e best home ever. But can I really do that? I really dunno. I hated myself for having such a bad temper. For getting so pissed so easily. For not being thrifty enough to clear all e debts and save all e money. Just my love, will not be enough. Isn't it?

Haiz I'm so emotional now. Really really very very down.

How to let it go?

Laugh at me. I dun care.
I'm weak. And I'm hurt.
I can't let it go. Not just yet.
I know I should. But everything is so painful.

I know very well what should I do and what should I not do.
But knowing and doing is different.

Seriously. I'm hurt to the extent that I can't even trust anything that is said to me anymore.
What you said just made me ponder even more.
Who is the one, whom u protected so well, that you dun even wan to let me know.. Even at times like this.
Or was there no one, but an imaginary figure that you wanted to pin the blame to?

原来，我只是个不被重视的傻瓜。

Oh well, found out something yesterday.
Honestly, i feel very lousy.
This is how it feels to be backstabbed.
by someone whom u tot were your good friend.someone u stood by when in need.supports when falling.felt happy for everything. wouldn't get angry at even when not attending any of your most important events in life.

No matter whether it's the whole truth or not, the matter of fact is you did said it. And for all I know, It may not be just to one group. Somehow I wished i know it all. At least I would know, who else thought the same way. Or to what extend was I being stabbed. How bad the damage was. Alot of things are conjuring in my mind. I'm beginning to suspect. To guess. To wonder. What else was being said. Who else was told?

Suddenly, all the things that was told to me was like crap. Because I no longer know how much I can trust.
I never though this kind of things would actually happen to me at the age of 23.
It is no longer the matter of being matured or not. The fact is I have been hurt terribly. It really pricks my heart now whenever I thinks about it.
I wanted so much to cry. But I wasn't even sure if it's worth it. To cry for u.

We may not be the best of friends. But I never knew I meant that little to you. To the extent that you could say such things about me. Is there anymore? Is what u said, really the truth? Does it prick your heart now, that you are going thru the same thing and I was so supportive and worried for u?

JULY

okays. daily blog has become monthly blog.
lol!

so now, july. a few more days, its me and hubby's 1year anniversary.
being a married couple... this one year is really not easy.
as a young couple, with a child that was on the way and eventually came into our lives, with financial instability, we were indeed having a hard time.
but we made it through.

the paths in the future is not gonna be any easy. but i will try.
theres alot of things to get over. i dunno if i could, but still, i will try.

i love you alvin lam. with all my heart.

*

sometimes, there are so many things that we thought we really wanted.
but, is that really what we want?
everyone has made wrong choices in their lives before.
shouldnt they be given the chance to make new choices again?
should they be deprived of the chance?

*

i always planned to save on this, save on that. but when have i really done it?
i tried, but always failed.
perhaps i didnt try hard enough.
can anyone teach me how to save and not spend?

*

i dun wanna think much now.
all i want is to have a happy anni with hubby.
have a happy family with ethan and the new lil one coming along.

i just love them all. so much tat i didnt know i could love someone that much.

JUNE

so fast.
my birthday has passed.
ethan is already 6 months old.

alot of things went through this month.
went to hk with my darling hubby.
my uneventful bday.
ethan falling sick for the first time.

looking at him coughing and breathing so hard really breaks my heart.
i really hoped i would be sick instead of him.

i tried so hard not to pass my germs to him when i got back from hk. but eventually he still got it from hubby.
i hoped he would get well soon. really heartpain to see him like this.

not getting his appetite back. hurts.

*

plans for work has once again got disrupted. but i guess it may be for the better.

*

i remembering someone telling me before. that my life is always on the move. always wanting to achieve the best. always ahead of others.
it seems to be too rush for ppl. but to me, i really cant slow down.
there are too many things in life that is already slowing down.
i hate it when my life is stagnant.
i hate it when i have nothing interesting to do in my life.

*

i hope my life would be more exciting now. rather than just settling down after marriage and giving birth.

i hope i have more time for movies, kbox, and chilling out with friends. i hope. =D

may

back to work for more than a month now.
im still getting used to it.

so many things happened recently. and i do realized my temper is getting shorter.

i wanna cry, but i couldnt. i couldnt cry when i sees ethan. i couldnt cry outside. i have no space at all. i am very very tired actually. im very sick of trying to get things done rite.

i know no matter what i do, i will never be a real daughter.
i know no matter what i say, it will never carry any weight.
all i asked for, is some safety care in my precious.
is some peace and time with my son.
and not someone keeps trying to take my son away, in view of "helping" me.
not someone to keep giving me "advices" when he has not even taken care of a child before.
not someone who QUESTIONS me when it comes to the care of my child.

im also tired of handling things that ought to be over by now.
the longstanding issue.
the misunderstandings.
sometimes, it really hurts when you meant the best and you were treated the worst.
it really hurt badly.
no doubt it seems to be sorted out, but i still feel very lousy.
the tot of i was ever this kinda person in her eyes just makes me feel darn sad.

work is something that i really wished i can give up right now.
i really dont want to go for the advanced dip anymore.
bcos i really sees no future at all.
and i do not need all the unnecessary blames.
oh wells, it takes more than just a rash decision.
i need to think about it.

*

sometimes, i wished i could turn back time, and not do things so rashly.

april

wow. so fast. i am REALLY going back to work already. 2 more days, and im back to work, as a OFFICIAL working mother.
im so gonna miss my boy so much. =)

*

i dunno if i should go and apply for advance dip.
its gonna be another 2 years of bond.
and i know its not easy to study that. coupled with my degree course which im FINALLY able to cont in july.
i mean, i waited for 3years to complete my bond.
now, if im going to be bond again, its another 2years bond.
zzz.

*

and im so irritated by my father-in-law now.
he is a gd man. and a loving father. i dun deny that.
but it gets on my nerves when he KEEP kb-ing about us not asking the maid to cook. keep saying that if we dun ask her to cook, den employ her for what. BUT I DIDNT EMPLOY HER TO COOK FOR ME!
besides, one week 7days, EVERYDAY eat the same thing. i really get damn sians.
even maggi tastes better.
den he say, wad we want to eat, ask the maid to cook. go library photocopy recipes ask her to cook. but wtf. even normal ppl also wun be able to one time cook and get the taste rite. let alone a maid who DUN UNDERSTAND OUR LANGUAGE WELL!
AND, things that we wanna eat, is NEVER approved by him. so whats the point? why risk getting scolded and nag by him EVERYDAY?
argh! irritated.
and summore, already ate rice in the morning or noon. i really dun wanna eat rice again at nite. CANNOT MEH? wtf.

so fed up!

and EVERYTIME he will say "hope alvin and melissa will lose weight."
tmd. i wanna be like this cannot is it? argh~

*

3rd month

ethan is 3months old! =D
so happy that he is growing so fast and well.
every day, seeing him grow, is tremendous joy to me.

im so glad that i did this. so glad that, he came into my life.

sometimes, i do look back and wonder how would things be if it did not happen this way.
would me and precious still be tgt?
or would sth else be happening?
how would life be like? i wonder.

seriously, i have never regretted that i chose this path.
i could just run away. i could just not go ahead with this. but, its just not me.
in fact, im glad that precious stood by me and not freaked out. im glad that he gave me so much support.
im glad that we went ahead. and of cos, so much support from both our families.

when daddy told me " i feel you are happier with alvin. and he can take care of you". the joy that i had, was indescribable.
its not that i wasnt happy when i was with william, just that we had so much probs that we didnt make an effort to solve it at all.
oh well, i also have a part to be blamed for the failed rs.
every rs, it requires both party to make an effort to make it work. so when it failed, its only becos both party didnt make enough effort. becos one party decided to stop making effort.
theres no right or wrong in a rs afterall.

oh well. i have gone way past that stage.
right now, im in a stage where i cant say i wanna stop trying.
i cant give up when im tired.
i can only keep going on.
and the motivation that keeps me going, alvin and ethan =)

emotional. but im happy.
seriously.
=)

i love my family.

61th post

i cant believe i started this blog for like almost a year now and i only have 61 post (including this). =P

i dont have much things to blog abt actually.
other than ranting about how pissed i was with the maid.

i dun understand.
YOU are just an employee of mine.
WHO ARE YOU to come and KB me say cannot bring ethan out.
and always carry ethan away from me?

come on. he is my son. i hired u to take care of him while im at work, BUT NOT ASK YOU TO TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME!

tmd.
fucking pissed with her.
everyday without fail, she will try to carry my son away from me.
say im obsessed. but i really cant stand it.

she even slapped precious' hands away when he tries to carry ethan when he's crying.
WTF.
if i had seen, I SERIOUSLY WOULD HAVE SCREAMED AT HER.

my patience is running out for her.

i asked her to clean my room, and tell her that she should clean my room EVERYDAY,like what she did for the other rooms and living rm. n i asked why didnt she clean it ytd, when im at home the whole time?
and her reply? "oh. mdm u nv ask me to clean. so i nv clean."
WTF?! nobody tells her to clean my parents-in-laws room but she ll auto go clean everyday after my FIL comes back and opens the room door what.
den i ask her "you dunno how to ask ah? i m at home what"
she say "oh i tot you flu cannot sweep".
WTH~!

she is always questioning our instructions. not as if she dunno how to do. its QNS us why do we want to do it this way.
wtf.
things that she need to ask, she dun ask. den always qns us. dammit.

NEVER GO TO HOMEKEEPER FOR MAID!

their service sucks, and their maids are so sucky! this is the 2nd one alrdy. i would not go back to them again. seriously. dammit!

yay!

yay! all coming in liao!

finally got hold of my burberry bag and gucci sandals!!! so happy!!! =D

and my polaroid films... pooh bear!!! =)

overstretched, but i am happy. the rest of 2011 is no branded year. so let me be happy for now =)

i know hubby is worried that i would starve and not enough. but i really wanna get and at least will be happy even if i cannot buy for the rest of the year.
i will be fine darling =D

*

flu is on and off. when im better, den i dare to carry ethan. but when im not, it pains me not being about to be too close to him. so scared that he would catch my flu. WHEN WILL I RECOVER? argh.

blocked ears PLUS PLUS.
sneeze PLUS PLUS.

sians.

hubby's off days are gone just like that. next tym when i start working, 1 wk also dunno can haf time tgt or not.. =S

my days back to work are like SOON.

daily affair

been so long since i last updated by DAYS. shall try to do some recap for the past week.

Mon: went to pay school fees for the July sem with mab. YUP. JULY~ and we had to make the payment THIS EARLY becos they said we hafta pay before our placement can be secured. $$ face. and so, waited for >2.5hours JUST to get to the counter, and another 45mins for them to DIG OUT our files. >.<

tue: met up with wy and xf dear girls for crabby dinner. its been AGES since we last went out tgt. friendship for 10years. dun play play. hahaha!

wed: i think i rot at home. i cant remember. hahaha!

thu: went with precious for his SGH nurses gathering. um... im the xtra lah. so didnt talk much. den learnt a very impt lesson. NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH ETHAN WITHOUT ANY PAMPERS. bcos we ran into pampers emergency where he BO-ed and we have nth to change him. ended home with a BIG PACK of pampers. =.=
saw a nice flats which is darn comfy to wear in. but stupid shop only has one pair which is so OLD cos alot of ppl tried it on! =S precious say just pay and ask em to order another one. so i bought a pair of shoes(which was intended to wear to clubbing next wk), but couldnt get it till the end of march T.T

fri: planned to go the Singapore Flyer with mum, bro n sis with dylan. but end up only left with mum n bro. i decided to be lazy and not go. hahaha! they came over to visit, and had so much fun playing with ethan. then they left to have fun with dylan at sis' place. endless fun =)
went out for drinks with yq dear. its been AGES since i last went out with her also lah. she the ultra busy woman. had a pretty chillax night. will go again if got chance =D

sat: had prawning session with sarah dear n bf. 2nd time. not much luck this time rd, and the prawns are like shrimps. but i enjoyed bcos all we(sarah n i) did was EAT EAT EAT. hahaha! brought ethan with us this time rd reluctantly bcos no one is at home other than the maid. but thank goodness he's a gd boy who slept thru. =)

sun: (today) no activity. but i do love spending the time at home, NUA. hahah! only then i have the time to slowly blog mah~ and upload alot of photos tht i owed in FB. my wedding pics r like ROTTED lah~ lol! and dunno if ALL is in. hahah~ still have 23mins according to the uploading page. SLOW.
supposed to go to auntie's place today. but precious flew me aeroplane bcos theres a mixed up of his roster by HIMSELF. >.so end up not going. miss the kids so much. and bitching sessions with cussies. =)

next wk im gonna be so busy. but its gonna be super fulfilling bcos i wud be achieving super loads of aims that i have been waiting to do.
mon: rest at home. <3

tue: send car for servicing. i think its time for me to send my bike for servicing too. before going back to work. and that would be my best mode of transport. i miss riding my bike. =S yet now i dun go out often, i dun ride it often too. servicing it early wud mean waste money cos need to eventually SERVICE again when im starting work.

wed: singapore flyer with precious and darling ethan. =) finally get to go. *cross fingers*

thu: rest at home <3

fri: clubbing nite! time to get my ass moving! hahahaha! i seriously cant wait bcos its been ages since i last clubbed. i forgotten how it feels like already. =S

sat: dinner with family to celebrate mum's bday. but i guess its celebrate both mum n the twins bday =D

sun: rest at home <3 and rot like today. cos darling working PM shift AGAIN. he is like working PAPA shifts for the whole month's roster. how "friendly" is his ward sister. =X

*

den i realise, im starting work soon. VERY SOON. im afraid. =(
i wanna go and request for perm night. but i dun dare to. the heads are already not thinking much of me, to the extent that they dun even care when i gave birth. i tink i would be forgotten if i do perm night. and would be deprived of ALL the chances for courses and promotions. ZZZ...

SIANS. so much to think of even when i haven started work.

end of feb

so fast! now is already coming to the end of feb, which means, i left 1month of freedom! omg. couldnt imagine how life would be with me working and worrying about ethan at home. hmmm~

alot of things happened recently. alot of truth uncovered. alot of surprising news.
however, nothing has actually changed.
im upset, but it is not up to me to say anything anyway.
i can only feel.
but i dun understand how can someone be so selfish and do sth that affects so many ppl.

anyway, i dun wanna think much. i love my family so much. tts enough. =D

i wanna buy this! =X

feb

so fast.. now is already feb...
CNY period now..
its a total new routine for CNY for me.
and im loving it. thou i cant receive angbaos anymore. but im glad that ethan is collecting it for me instead. hahahah!

did alot of online shopping recently. I HAVE TO STOP. =S

cant wait to receive all my items. =)

taking care of ethan is my greatest pride now. i cant believe i am actually going back to work soon. SIANS!
i wonder if the new maid can handle everything and make me feel at ease. =S

ok. im damn sians.

I REALLY HAVE TO STOP ONLINE SHOPPING. =X

haiz

i didnt see this coming.
i admit i have weird feelings. but it is definitely now how he think it is.
i mean, afterall, it was a almost 3years r/s. i admit i put on a strong front right from the start when i ended the r/s. but i also know that memories can never be forgotten.


i have never regretted my decision.
we may not be rich. but we achieved alot more than other ppl did.
we may not be together for long, but we went thru more than other ppl did.
i tot we were strong, but realized we need to work more on it.


haiz. why let someone who has found his own happiness affect our happiness?
i really dun understand.
affairs of heart. really hard to understand.

shocked.

saw sth i shouldnt have seen. or actually, i should have knew it long ago if i had been more attentive.
i dunno how does this happen. this is so weird.

i dunno why do i have this indescribable feeling inside me.
but i guess, it all happened for the better.
its what i hoped to see, when i have made that decision.
i have nth to regret. bcos i know, i have gotten the best in my life.

i remembered, at the time when i made that decision..
i prayed for him to get over and be happy.
i prayed for us to be friends. and not let that affect us.
i prayed for him to find someone whom will let him feel much more worthy than i am.

only the 1st and the 3rd came true.
but it didnt matter anymore.
as long as, he found someone else.

all the things that has been said, be it spiteful or not, or all that has not been said, are all not important anymore.


pls be happy. i know you will.

january

so fast, we are into 2011. in less than a month, chinese new year is approaching.
i couldnt believe how much life has progressed so far.
how much difference are there in my life.
i find satisfaction in taking care of my own kid. jus not enough, to make me stop working i guess. afterall, we need to bring the bacon in to give my son a better life.

looking at ethan makes me realised how much i have missed out, how much i have to do to make sure we have enough.
its hard for me to change overnight, but i am trying, and i will. i will make things work out, and even better for US.

i love my family. =)