end of sept

so fast~ oct is approaching. another few more months, i will be a mother of 2! =)

so many newsfeed on fb. some friends having bb girl, some having bb boy. i believe, no matter boy or girl, all would be great parents! =)

its so weird how things have changed over the past few years.
there are still so many memories that seem so fresh. but now, everything is so different... im so so so amazed.
just talking about myself. my life have so much changes that i dun even see planning as a need! its all redundant. lol!

*

work has been status quo. now got some "new" thing that got involved even thou i do not want to join. and the worst stress was when the preceptor keep emphasizing on my performance.
i really hope theres nothing much stress for me.

*

alrighty.
time to continue on assignments. jiayou!

SEPT

its september now!
so fast~
just went for scanning today.
we are having a baby girl!!!=D

its like our wish being granted.
both hubby and i are so glad. =)

love both our prince and princess so much..

*

seriously cant wait for time to pass and on ML. cos tts the time when i dun have to fear about having to go to work. hahahaha! but nowadays my life is so bored that i do not have anything to do.
life is such a stagnant~~!!!
going out no longer tempts me.
and i have nth to do at all.
is this a gd sign?

*

life changes so much and so fast that sometimes it scares me.
it seems so interesting to see ppl hanging out and have fun.
but i just cant seem to do that.

the life that i used to live in, seems to have stayed far far away from me.
my life now only evolves around hubby and baby.
am i becoming a loner? =(

AUGUST

Oh wells.. It's august already. So fast..
Recently mood hadn't been gd. Perhaps cos I wasn't feeling well either.. Stupid URTI that refuses to go away..ethan is starting to cough abit. I hope it has nth to do wif me. First two days critical times I have tried so hard not to stay near him..

Sometimes, some things still comes back and gives me some aches.. Its been so long... It shouldn't happen... But it still does...
I yearn to let things go... But memories just refuses to do so.. Its perhaps not as easy as we thought.
借一句戏剧里说过的话：如果人的记忆可以像电脑一样一次format掉那该有多好。

现在的我，不敢对任何人说任何事。因为我害怕再次受到伤害。当我真心对待人的时候，我并不奢望他们会同样的对我。但起码不要做出伤害我的事。

Too many things happened over the past 1mth. One thing that is for sure, was I had never been angry with her. All that filled me, was sadness and disappointment. I wudnt dreamt that she would treat me as friends now, but I wish her all e best. It takes alot of courage to go down this path. I'm still trying. Hope she ll have her happiness too.

Despite all these, I'm glad that I have hubby with me. I'm glad that he is so understanding, so reasonable to let me throw tantrum at him, and so loving to me. I may not have the richest hubby in terms of money. I may not have what other girls had. But I definitely have e best hubby with the richest love for me.:))

When life's in dumps, will it get worst, or better?

Oh well, nothing else happened since that last post. Nothing else changed. I'm still nobody.

And I really really want to resign. Really really want to stay home and take care of Ethan myself. Really really doesnt want a maid anymore. But can I? E whole damn family is so reliant on e maid. And I dun see why.
Now, I can't even ask a simple qns. I had to take the brunt of her attitude. Of her temper. Of her rubbish. Seriously, I can't do it. I really can't. I tried so hard to be a good employer. But I really Dunno how to. It pisses me off the moment I know sth is not done properly to Ethan. I really hated this feeling. Till so that I rather do it all by myself.
But I can't afford to do so. I can't just quit like that. There are still tons of bills for me to pay. And lots of money needed. If only there's money that dropped down from heaven. Den I can do work at my own time that I can handle.

Sometimes I wished I wasn't born in this family. I wished I had a family with lesser problems. With more love and concern. With more money. But I can't choose at all. I had enough of handling all e nonsense thinkings and questionings.

I love my hubby and my boy so much. I want to give them e best home ever. But can I really do that? I really dunno. I hated myself for having such a bad temper. For getting so pissed so easily. For not being thrifty enough to clear all e debts and save all e money. Just my love, will not be enough. Isn't it?

Haiz I'm so emotional now. Really really very very down.

How to let it go?

Laugh at me. I dun care.
I'm weak. And I'm hurt.
I can't let it go. Not just yet.
I know I should. But everything is so painful.

I know very well what should I do and what should I not do.
But knowing and doing is different.

Seriously. I'm hurt to the extent that I can't even trust anything that is said to me anymore.
What you said just made me ponder even more.
Who is the one, whom u protected so well, that you dun even wan to let me know.. Even at times like this.
Or was there no one, but an imaginary figure that you wanted to pin the blame to?

原来，我只是个不被重视的傻瓜。

Oh well, found out something yesterday.
Honestly, i feel very lousy.
This is how it feels to be backstabbed.
by someone whom u tot were your good friend.someone u stood by when in need.supports when falling.felt happy for everything. wouldn't get angry at even when not attending any of your most important events in life.

No matter whether it's the whole truth or not, the matter of fact is you did said it. And for all I know, It may not be just to one group. Somehow I wished i know it all. At least I would know, who else thought the same way. Or to what extend was I being stabbed. How bad the damage was. Alot of things are conjuring in my mind. I'm beginning to suspect. To guess. To wonder. What else was being said. Who else was told?

Suddenly, all the things that was told to me was like crap. Because I no longer know how much I can trust.
I never though this kind of things would actually happen to me at the age of 23.
It is no longer the matter of being matured or not. The fact is I have been hurt terribly. It really pricks my heart now whenever I thinks about it.
I wanted so much to cry. But I wasn't even sure if it's worth it. To cry for u.

We may not be the best of friends. But I never knew I meant that little to you. To the extent that you could say such things about me. Is there anymore? Is what u said, really the truth? Does it prick your heart now, that you are going thru the same thing and I was so supportive and worried for u?

JULY

okays. daily blog has become monthly blog.
lol!

so now, july. a few more days, its me and hubby's 1year anniversary.
being a married couple... this one year is really not easy.
as a young couple, with a child that was on the way and eventually came into our lives, with financial instability, we were indeed having a hard time.
but we made it through.

the paths in the future is not gonna be any easy. but i will try.
theres alot of things to get over. i dunno if i could, but still, i will try.

i love you alvin lam. with all my heart.

*

sometimes, there are so many things that we thought we really wanted.
but, is that really what we want?
everyone has made wrong choices in their lives before.
shouldnt they be given the chance to make new choices again?
should they be deprived of the chance?

*

i always planned to save on this, save on that. but when have i really done it?
i tried, but always failed.
perhaps i didnt try hard enough.
can anyone teach me how to save and not spend?

*

i dun wanna think much now.
all i want is to have a happy anni with hubby.
have a happy family with ethan and the new lil one coming along.

i just love them all. so much tat i didnt know i could love someone that much.